Every time I hear of a good friend struggling in marriage I immediately compare the difference between Desires and Expectations. The reason is because I heard a fantastic speaker talk about this and it made me aware that it is very easy to transform the energy of one into the other.

 

At first it sounded as ridiculous to me as to convert a diamond into coal and I had a difficult time wrapping my head around this theory. However after spending sometime observing up close how this is possible I realized that we all do that in our lives when it comes to relationships.

 

We do it at work, at home, with friends, with family and even just in general when we enter into some kind of interactive relationship.

 

It all happens so quickly that we can turn the cards and begin to transform our energy leaving us with nothing to look forward.

 

One of the illustrations that I have seen demonstrated several times is that of two people planning their future together. This is of course an exciting moment when we have our hearts open to the infinite possibilities that we hold ahead of us.

 

People have the freedom to imagine anything possible and it begins so innocent while the wish list expands into some kind of fairy tale. That is exactly what it is! A wonderful wish list that most of the time is very legitimate and truthful.

 

We all want to play an important part in any relationship, have a voice, have freedom, be appreciated, be respected, have support, have safety, have comforts, share intimacy and have an overall harmony. However this all gets spoiled the moment those wishes become the fine print in the form of a contract.

 

This of course changes the dynamics completely as a contract is indicative of certain future things to be expected.

 

The moment that we begin to look impatiently for things to take place, that is the moment the magic of dreaming and wishing disappear!

 

It then leaves us with very little room to enjoy the company of each other. We take away our chances to show gratitude for all the efforts made to bring those wonderful wishes into a reality, because now we have converted that entire magical world into a goal that is now expected.

 

Sure this is something that we often experience at work when we sign a contract and we are expected to bring results that we have promised.

 

It is also the case when we buy a product and we are expecting a certain quality of service. We are quick to demand and to argue if necessary when our expectations are not met.

 

Of course this is a legitimate reaction since that is the type or relationship we have entered. The problem is that we also treat other relationships alike.

 

We begin to plan with our friends that perhaps one day we would all live in the same city, have our kids in the same school, belong to the same social club and perhaps even own a business together.

 

It all sounds wonderful when we draw it in dreams, hopes and wishes; but what happens when all those things start to happen. We begin to count them as just goals met, and those which are not met we tend to complain about as we trade our gratitude for expectancy.

 

We then wonder what happened that our friends did not meet the goals that we had dreamed together. Why are our kids not at the same school? Why are we not spending time together at the same social club? Where are they when we need them? What happened to all those plans we made together? Why haven't we invested in each other? Where are those great business ideas we had back then?

 

It is then when we completely destroy the magic of a relationship and we begin to view it with the same expectancy that we do every other type of contract negotiation. Therefore, there is absolutely no room for appreciation to any effort made or even to be simply grateful.

 

Another illustration that struck me like lightening was the one about the couple entering the church to get married, each with a set of beautiful dreams and goals for the future. However the same dreamers that walked into the church were converted immediately as they heard the words “I do " and then walked out of the church with a whole new set of expectations.

 

It sounds insane, but it is so true!

 

That magical moment only lasts so little and from then on, most couples will struggle just meeting each other's expectations. It is almost as if the words "I do" are replaced by the words “I promise" implying that there is now a contract to make those dreams a reality.

 

The beauty of having a relationship with someone is that we can work together to reach our wonderful dreams, to feel respected, appreciated and of course we desire to be loved.

 

How much room do we leave for those things to enter our lives when we live with very little recognition to the efforts being made?

 

I often have to remind myself of this illustration when I feel left out, betrayed, disappointed or forgotten; though it is just a sign that I am starting to look at the half empty glass and not appreciating the half full glass that I have been given as a gift.